I could make wine with my vomit
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
The feeling are messing with the penis
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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