So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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