I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
