Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
