My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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