Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
