and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
