I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
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I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
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Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize