Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
