Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
wow bdsm is so cute
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
