Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Randomize
