look no pants
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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