Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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