I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
