i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
