Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
