I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
