Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
