I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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