I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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