I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
