I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
