my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
