wrigley field is MILF paradise
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
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