Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
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