my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
