so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
