so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
