i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
