this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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