I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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