its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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