he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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