You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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