hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
