Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
