I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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