you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
