I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
