Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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