he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
