hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
