I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
