u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
