We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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