What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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