my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
