I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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