Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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