I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Randomize
