While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize
