help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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