I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Randomize
