I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
If I die, sorry about rent.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
