Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
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