I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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