Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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