i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
