; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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